I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time, I think it was safe to say that I’d never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because, of course, you see, I am lovely, in a fluffy, moist kind of a way. I walk, let’s be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness that isn’t a far shot from being quite simply terrific. The secret to smooth, almost shiny loveliness, of the order which we are discussing in this simple, frank, creamy-soft way doesn’t reside in oils, unduants, balms, ointments, astringments, creams, milks, moisturizers, linaments, lubricants, embracants or bolsoms, to be simply divine for just one noble moment; it resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one’s attitude of mind. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I’m so often told it. That’s the secret really.


Sometimes the brain does what it wants.
Sometimes it combines words that shouldn’t be combined.
& sometimes the brain does not work at all.
I managed to do all three at once.
Do for it!


Examples of Self-Conscious Shopping

Imagine working at a supermarket checkout and a customer approaches with only one item.
You check out the customer.
You check out the item.
You put two and two together and think: “Yup… you waited too long to buy this you cheap bastard.”

Buying flowers the day after Valentines Day.

Buying Chapstick with chapped lips.

Buying Johnson’s Clean & Clear face wash and scrub with a terrible pimple breakout.

Buying Listerine mouthwash with terrible breath.

Buying a cheap razor with crappy 4-day old stubble.

Buying a box of plasters with cut fingers.

Truth be told: I’ve done at least 4 of these things.

For John Crozier.